The Last Day on the Vent - A Year Ago Today...

January 17, 2010 - my last day on the ventilator.  It was the only day that I actually remember being on the vent, and it was TERRIFYING!  I blogged about it last year - http://hazenfamily.blogspot.com/2010/03/q_12.html -
but it was more about the facts and less about the feelings.  I'm learning now that it's important to talk about the feelings and emotions surrounding situations because they are important. 

On Friday, January 15, the hospital chaplain asked the doctors how I was doing.  She was told it still could go either way - I basically had a 50/50 chance of survival.

On Saturday, January 16, doctors noticed the first signs of progress that my lungs were beginning to heal.

On Sunday, January 17, the sedation was lowered enough for me to "come to" some and actually have memories of that day.  I still couldn't communicate, so that was so scary for me.  I wanted to know what in the world was going on, but I couldn't ask.  Andrew and my mom tried to get me to point to letters to spell out words, but that was too difficult for me.  I was seeing the letters in double, so every time I pointed to one, it wasn't really the letter I wanted.  It was so frustrating.  I felt totally trapped in my body - unable to speak and unable to move. 

I remember them suctioning out the ventilator when some part of it would have mucous in it.  I remember being so thirsty.  I finally got them to understand that I was asking for water, but I had no idea that I really couldn't drink it. 

Someone told my mom and Andrew that I could have water from a sponge dipped in ice water.  It may not have been much, but it was the first taste of anything I'd had in my mouth in nearly 2 weeks!  I remember thinking that I knew at that moment how Jesus felt when he was hanging on the cross and asked for a drink.  They raised a sponge filled with vinegar, I think, to him. At least mine was water, but it was still being put to my mouth for me.  I think my mom and Andrew spent a lot of time that day dipping the sponge in water and putting it in my mouth.

I didn't realize that I was on a special bed, so I thought that cell phones were constantly vibrating.  It was really the bed inflating and deflating to keep me moving in certain ways, but I didn't know.  I tried to tell them to turn off the phones, but again, no way to communicate.

I felt sheer terror that day as I realized for the first time just how sick I had been.  It was terrifying, but I had no way to tell anyone how I was feeling.  The last thing I remember from that day was being so scared to go to sleep that night.  I was so afraid that I would never wake up again.  I knew just enough about my condition to worry that I might fall asleep on this earth and wake up in Heaven.  I'm pretty sure that was the night that Andrew and Rebecca stayed in the room until well midnight rubbing my head to help me fall asleep.  Not knowing what tomorrow will bring makes it very difficult to fall asleep...