I have 4 kids...

Lately my kids have been saying things like, "When we have another baby..." or "Mommy, we can save this for when you have another baby growing in your tummy" or "Mommy, when are we going to have another baby?"  I just tell them to talk to God and talk to Daddy.  Deep down, though, every time they say something like that, I think how there could have been 2 other babies.  I have been pregnant 4 times.  Two ended in live births.  The other two just ended - one early (maybe 5 or 6 weeks?) and the other at 17 weeks.

Hope Mommies has been a wonderful group that has provided so much support.  Although no one wants to be able to join this group, it's an amazing group of ladies that has walked through the very same thing.  They have a website and a blog , so I'm linking up to their latest blog post with this post about Garrett, the sweet little boy who took his first breath in the arms of Jesus.

In December 2009 I gave birth by c-section to a healthy baby girl named Danielle.  A week after delivering her, I was taken to the ER with shortness of breath.  That shortness of breath turned out to be severe pneumonia in both lungs.  I was admitted to the ICU, put on a ventilator, and given a diagnosis of Acute Respiratory Distress Syndrome (ARDS).  I had two young children at home (a 2-year-old and a newborn) and was given a 50/50 chance of surviving.  I spent two weeks fighting for my life on the ventilator.  God miraculously healed my body, and when Danielle was almost a month old, I was able to return home to continue building up the physical strength that ARDS had robbed my body of. 

When Danielle was 6 months old we found out that we were expecting another baby.  It was a very scary time for me and my family as my body was still healing.  After seeing a healthy baby and heartbeat at 9 weeks, I finally let myself get excited about the new little one growing inside of me.  I started planning and preparing for our family of 5.  At 16 weeks, I started bleeding.  My doctor and nurse assured me that all was probably ok and urged me to wait to come in until my next scheduled appointment at 17 weeks.  The bleeding subsided, so I felt better.

Everything seemed ok until I was at the doctor's office for the appointment.  The bleeding was back and heavier than before.  The doctor immediately did an ultrasound.  The first image made my worst nightmare come true.  The baby wasn't moving at all.  The doctor tried to find a heartbeat, but it was obvious that my sweet baby was already with Jesus.  I have never felt more heartbroken in my life. 

I went into labor 2 days later and delivered Garrett Roy Hazen on Saturday, September 25, 2010 at 17 weeks.