Our church held a funeral today for an 11-year-old boy who lost his battle with cancer less than a year after being diagnosed. I didn't know the family, but I offered to make dessert for the family luncheon that was held after the grave-side service. As has happened often over the last year, I felt very anxious driving to the church. I am at a point now where driving to church on Sundays does not cause anxiety, but today was different. I saw the hurse and police escorts as I pulled into the parking lot. My heartrate increased, and I felt the familiar start of an anxiety attack starting.
It could have been me.
A year ago, this could have been my funeral.
A year ago, people could have been providing lunch for my family after my funeral.
It could have been me.
But it wasn't. For reasons that we will never know, God chose to take Nathan at the age of 11. He had fulfilled his purpose on this earth, and God took him home.
For reasons that I may never know, God chose to heal me. God chose to leave me on this earth to fulfill a purpose that he has specifically for me.
We are so thankful that it wasn't, but you are so right. It could have been. I think of that phrase so often with you right now. When I read about the birth of a mutual friend's baby boy earlier this month, I thought, "that should have been Kara." When a co-worker talked about a sister-in-law dying of cancer, about to leave behind two young children, I think, "that could have been Kara." Could have. Should have. Isn't it funny that with the things we are thankful didn't happen, we use "could have" and with the things we are angry about, we say "should have." Should have. Could have. Would have. I would have missed you.
ReplyDeleteNothing makes sense in death and living except love. I chose to have children after some friends at church lost their newborn baby. We stood with them through the worst thing that could happen, and it hurt, and they hurt terribly. But there was so much love, so much love between parent and child and for the family. I realized then that whatever reservations I had before would have to give way to love. I knew that whatever happened, I would love my children every single day of their existence, so that no matter when we are parted (and I hope we all live to ripe old age and that the kids get to see their parents die of being old), the children will always be loved.
ReplyDeleteI don't think God wills for children to die. I think there are broken places in the world that allow for death to enter in, but that overall we are meant to be healed. Healing sometimes comes to younger folks through death, but so often healing pours out in abundant life. I am so grateful that you are alive. And I am grateful for the lives of the eleven year old and of G.R.H., though they were far too short. What can we do but what God has graciously given us, give thanks in all situations for God's love, mercy, presence, even in silence and pain and fear? We say something at church every Sunday, "It is right to give God thanks and praise." What I'm saying is, we only know what is, and given what is, I am so grateful that you are here in the world to love your children and show forth the glory of God in the world, that special Kara glory that God has made to heal and love his creation.