In all honesty . . .

I am a people pleaser.  Before I write a blog post, I think to myself – will anyone want to read this?  If I don’t put pictures, what will people think?  If I only put pictures, what will people think?  What if I do not use correct grammar?  Will I say something that someone doesn't agree with and cause them to dislike me?  Going through all of these questions has slowed down my blogging.  There are so many things I have wanted to say, but I worry what someone will think if they read it.  I have composed so many blog posts in my head that have never made it to the screen. 

That’s about to change.  I started this blog before Peter was born for multiple reasons.  I wanted a place to record milestones.  I wanted to be able to share pictures with friends and family that we don’t see often.  I wanted to record memories that may be forgotten.  I wanted to share my thoughts. 

I was able to blog pretty frequently with just one kid, but everything changed when Danielle was born.  Things always change when you add a second baby, but my world was turned upside down in a way that most people don’t experience.  It’s been 18 months since my experience with ARDS, but I still think about it every single day.  I think about what ARDS took away.  I think about the baby that I lost 10 months ago and how I should have a 5-month-old in my arms right now.  I think about my life pre-Danielle and post-Danielle. 

I have no idea who reads this blog.  I have no idea if you want to see pictures of my kids, hear about the fact that I’m still dealing with PTSD regarding my hospitalization, read my ramblings about what I feel is wrong with our current education system, read thoughts I have about the miscarriage and how I think about that sweet little boy every single day, or hear about all of the crazy things my 3-year-old is saying these days.  However, I know that I want this blog to be a place for me to share my heart, and my heart is made up of all of those things.  I want this blog to be a record of our family – a legacy for generations to come.  When my great-great-great-great-great –granddaughter is doing a report on her family history, I want this blog to be a part of it.

So . . .

I’m going to start writing more.  I’m going to start posting more pictures.  I’m going to go back and catch up on lots of posts that I never wrote or didn’t publish because they were never finished.  I’m going to share my opinions even if they cause controversy.  I’m going to blog what I want and how I want.

No, no one has criticized my blog.  No one has told me to do anything differently.  I’m just telling myself to stop trying to please others and do this for myself.  Blog because I enjoy it.  Write anything I want even if there are grammar mistakes.  Perfection isn’t necessary.  

Hope you enjoy. J

Happy Birthday America!!

Let's Trade!

Peter has been a master trader ever since Danielle started scooting around the room and getting into all of the toys.  He has perfected the art of finding something to trade with his sister when she has something he would like to have.  Today he tried on Homer.

"Homer, let's trade.  I'll sleep in here tonight.  You can sleep in my room."

Homer would have probably taken Peter up on his offer, but Daddy quickly mentioned how sore Peter would be when he woke up in the morning.  He also reminded Peter that he is more potty trained than Homer and no guarantees would be made for Homer behaving in that area.

A few minutes later, Peter was out of the crate, into the bath, and on his way to his own bed.

Blessings

I got a new CD for my birthday, and it is now my favorite CD to listen to!  It's called Blessings by Laura Story.  The title song is what caught my attention at first.  If you haven't heard it, I encourage you to listen to it.  It's like she knows exactly what I've dealt with the past 18 months. 

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

This song really has changed my perspective on what I went through with being sick, losing that initial bonding time with my newborn, losing Garrett at 16 weeks, anxiety and depression, uncertainty with job situations, and my grandmother's deteriorating health.  As angry as I've been about having to deal with all of those things, especially in such a short amount of time, God brought me through each trial.  He proved his faithfulness and goodness over and over even though I wished that situations would have turned out differently.  My faith and my dependence on God are stronger than they have ever been before. 

Peter usually likes to listen to VeggieTales in the car, but we've been compromising lately as I like to listen to other things as well.  I've played my new CD a couple of times in the car, and I always tell him which song is my favorite song.  He's probably heard it a maximum of 3 times. 

The radio was on in the house yesterday, and Blessings came on.  Before the 2nd line of lyrics had been sung, Peter was telling Andrew how that is Mommy's favorite song and how much I like to listen to it.  Wow - his memory is amazing!! 

I hope this song speaks to someone in a new way like it has spoken to me.  What if some of our greatest trials are really just God's blessings in disguise? 

Fish!!

I took the kids to HEB this morning to get groceries.  Peter loves to look at the lobsters, so we went there right after picking out some limes, corn, carrots, celery, bell peppers, and cucumbers.  The fish counter is right by the lobster tank.  We never buy fish because I have never been brave enough to cook it, but it caught Peter's eye today.  We spent some time looking at all of the fish, and we finally decided on tilapia.  Peter watched the guy wrap it up and insisted on carrying it throughout the rest of the trip through the aisles. 

Once we were home, he wanted to eat it right away.  I convinced him that 10am wasn't the best time for fish and offered a carrot instead.  He was ok with that once I also told him that I would cook it for dinner. 

I started getting dinner ready around 5pm.  Peter pulled a stool up to the counter to help shuck the corn.  He put all of his effort into getting every little string off.  Then it was time to season the fish.  He put seasoning on both sides of the fish to make it taste good (that's what he told me).  While the fish was cooking, he set the table. 

Once dinner was finally ready, he was one excited boy!  He couldn't wait to eat the fish.  He kept saying how he had never tasted fish before (um, and I don't think he actually has) and how yummy it was going to be.  Once it was cool enough to eat, he dug in.  He was thrilled that he was able to cut it himself with his fork, and he LOVED it!  He ate 3 helpings along with his corn and some rice.  He even asked Andrew several times if he thought it tasted good.  He was so proud of himself!!

Lost

I lost my memory card that I use in my good camera.  I think I have also lost my memory.  I took the memory card out of my camera so I download all of the fun pictures I took in Houston last week.  I shot most of them in RAW, so I knew they would be huge files to download.  I also knew that my laptop is going soooooo sllloooowww because of all of the pictures I have on it.  So I had the brilliant idea to move most of my picture files to an external hard drive.  I plugged the laptop into the hard drive and began moving files.  When I went to grab the memory card so I could download the new pictures to my computer, I couldn't find it.  I have looked all over the living room, and I cannot find it.  Hoping I find it soon!!

On the bright side, I am now downloading a month's worth of pictures from the memory card in my other camera.  I guess it's time to get some of them posted. :)

Sick Baby Girl

This is what a sick little girl looks like.  Danielle started acting sick Saturday morning.  She had a runny nose, lots of drainage, and a cough.  She threw up in her bed Saturday during her nap.  After a nasty diaper Sunday morning, I thought it was a stomach virus.  She was pretty irritable Sunday evening, but she slept all night Sunday night.  She seemed ok on Monday morning, so off to the sitter she went.  When I picked her up Monday afternoon, she was playing in the backyard.  While in the car on the way home, she had a terrible coughing fit that caused her to throw up.  Looking back, I don't think it was a stomach virus - I think that she has a horrible gag reflex (like her Mommy - it's even documented in the paperwork from the Scott & White ER when they were testing for all sorts of things that could have been causing me to be so sick) that causes her to throw up when she coughs too much or too hard.  It's been an interesting few days with a little girl who just wants to be held, doesn't want to eat, and is just pretty miserable.  Thank goodness she has so many clothes because she's had at least 6 baths in the past 3 days.

I'm thankful that this is the first time Danielle has been sick with something that has lasted over 24 hours.  Peter was sick all the time when he was a baby, so Danielle being so healthy has been such a blessing.  In fact, Peter was sick at the exact same age as Danielle is now - I guess Hazen babies don't do well at 16 months!!

Thankfully she is sleeping in her bed even though she doesn't feel well.  She wakes herself up coughing, but she is awesome at putting herself back to sleep.  I even gave her a pillow in her crib to keep her head elevated.  She loves having a soft pillow like a big girl!! 

Feel better soon sweet girl!!